If you sharpen this one skill, you *will* win

It’s Wednesday, November 1st, and today we’re talking about the difference between seeking feedback and seeking approval.

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PS: This was my town yesterday. Do not take me back.

If you sharpen this one skill, you will win

Let’s start with a simple pop quiz: what are these three folks asking for?

If you said “feedback”, you’re way wrong. They’re asking for approval. In fact, of the dozens of business/entrepreneurial communities I’ve been a part of, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen a post that was truly asking for feedback. And this presents a rare and golden opportunity.

Communities that unite members around shared goals see a lot of requests for feedback. It’s one of the top reasons why we value community; it gives us a sounding board in a safe environment. Members of your community do it. You do it inside of communities you’re a part of. Teams do it inside their internal communities. Most of the time it’s not that useful.

When people ask for “feedback”, they have a tendency to shine a spotlight on the best aspects of their idea. Because, in reality, they're often seeking permission rather than genuine feedback. It's a common and entirely human inclination. But let's consider for a moment: what if they truly sought to get better? What if they showed us the rough, unpolished edges of their idea?

There is a rigorous sort of thinking behind seeking true feedback. It’s not for the faint of heart, but for the few who are willing to risk a short-term ego hit for long-term gains, the accelerated learnings will put you ahead of the pack.

In the world of community, I’ve come across this dynamic more times than I can count. Potential clients will come with questions like "What do you think of our community messaging?" or "What's your take on our programming?” Community members will start a post with “roast my idea.”But we’re almost never given the information we’d need to do so.

But here's the kicker: seeking validation is probably the worst type of feedback you can aim for.

Over the years, I've had the privilege of receiving insights from some incredibly talented individuals; folks that didn't beat around the bush—no sugar-coating. They were more interested in helping me improve than in showering me with compliments. They provided me with a platform for fine-tuning and growth.

And it sucked.

I remember bringing an idea to Sam Parr and his one-line response text back “I don’t think that will work”. Not what I wanted to hear, but I had no choice but to ask why not, and what followed was far more helpful than the dozen variations of “great idea, go for it!” I’d already received.

To get to the good stuff, you have to get clear on the difference:

Seeking Approval: When you're primarily looking for approval, you play it safe. You present only the aspects of your idea that you're confident will garner praise. This approach can create a bubble of false positivity where you only hear what you want to hear. While it might feel good temporarily, it won't help you grow or improve your concept.

Seeking Feedback: On the other hand, when you genuinely seek feedback, you become open to scrutiny. You're willing to lay out all aspects of your idea, including its flaws and imperfections. It's an act of vulnerability where you invite others to help you see things you might have missed. This approach, while more challenging, can lead to real growth and refinement.

There is a time and place for validation, but it’s important to know what you are seeking.

Validation is an internal need, prone to never being satisfied.

Feedback is simply data.

🪄 Grab your Disney Goggles

I am not suggesting that you share every weakness of your idea with the internet at large. There is a lot of scaffolding to set up. I asked Sam about a business idea for three reasons:

1. He is more successful and experienced at business building (wisdom)

2. I trust that he’ll be honest and helpful in his feedback (motive)

3. Most importantly, I trust that he has the ability to imagine the world I am imagining (vision)

This third point is the most crucial of all. If I were sitting around the table with a group of my dance friends, I would likely not present a business growth strategy for feedback. That is not their world or expertise. I could highlight all the weaknesses and strengths in my idea, but they likely wouldn’t “get it” enough to see the potential in it. They’d think it’s a waste of time, so I would walk away with a false negative.

I have a real obsession with houses. I would go to open houses just for fun if I didn’t think it would piss off the realtor. I particularly love old fixer-uppers. When I was shopping for commercial property, my realtor would sometimes bring me into less-than-ideal spaces and say “I know it doesn’t look like much. You need to put your Disney goggles on.” She didn’t need to remind me though, I always had Disney goggles on. I am much more excited about what could be than what is.

Present your ideas to people with wisdom, the right motive, and who wear a good pair of Disney goggles. Not everyone is suited to give you feedback.

How to seek effective feedback

Once you’re comfortable with the who, here are some principles for getting good responses:

1. Start with Honesty: Be honest about your idea's strengths and weaknesses. Acknowledge where there's room for improvement. Highlight both.

2. Ask Specific Questions: When you request feedback, be clear about what aspects you'd like input on. This helps guide the conversation in a productive direction.

3. Welcome Critique: Encourage others to be honest and critical in their feedback. Constructive criticism is a powerful tool for growth.

4. Surround Yourself With Contradiction: Seek diverse perspectives and backgrounds. Embrace the balance of different viewpoints. I’ve received some of the best advice from people who have no experience in my industry.

5. Encourage Dissent: Create an environment where people feel safe to provide honest feedback without fear of resentment or defensiveness.

6. Iterate and Improve: Use the feedback you receive to iterate on your idea. Don't be discouraged by flaws; see them as opportunities to refine and enhance.

7. Respond with "Thank You": Remember, you're asking for input, not seeding authority. Show gratitude for the feedback and use it to make informed decisions.

The bottom line is this: seeking validation might provide momentary satisfaction. It’s soothing and encouraging, but it can also be a bottomless it.

As Wes says, “This is a missed opportunity. It’s low-cost for you to get better at receiving feedback, and it'll pay dividends in your career, relationships, and reputation as a leader.”

Marinade

Just want to share this quote with you. I read it this week and it’s been siting in my brain ever since.

Onward,

April

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