Five ways to destroy community culture

It’s Wednesday, October 11th, and today we’re talking about the four killers of unity and how to confront with class.

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Five ways to destroy something good

One thing we don’t talk about enough: internal communities. The people that make the important stuff happen.

They’re present in companies and in the team running your communities. Almost all of us have one or more horror stories about toxic work cultures or teams that have fallen apart. The ability to triage and treat people issues may be the most grown-up skill in the book, so today I want to talk about:

• The five ways to destroy unity

• The key elements of an uncomfortable conversation

Combined, these two pieces have become my go-to in identifying and attacking culture sickness before it spreads.

I managed a team of ~35 people for 11 years. It wasn’t a huge staff, but our core team turnover was <5%, and many of the folks who started with me on Day One were with me on Day 4,015. This wasn’t always the case. In my previous role, I had been hot-headed and short-sighted, burning some really valuable bridges. (I cringe when I think of the 20’s version of me. Talk about a first version with a lot of bugs).

However, I learned that every team has a culture, either by default or by design. Walking into a Starbucks feels quite different than walking into the Department of Motor Vehicles. One designed their culture, the other let it happen by default.

I’ve also been a part of many teams under many leaders. Some extraordinary, some unremarkable, and some that left me feeling small and angry.

One of my first jobs was at Starbucks. It was a broken team. During my first week, two of my fellow baristas got into a fight in front of a line of customers. Literally cussing each other out. That week when my manager checked in with me, 22-year-old me told her about the incident and how it was very uncomfortable and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. She then told them, in front of me, “April told me you are fighting and causing trouble. I’m writing you up”.

After that, any time I was scheduled to work with one of them, they actively pretended like I didn’t exist.

A few years later I was working at a different Starbucks location. Our manager was a rare kind of empathetic and efficient. When our team started to fracture into gossip and cliques, she noticed.

I saw only one thing happen: in the backroom was a sign-up sheet for 1:1s. They were mandatory.

In my own 1:1 with her, she worked to understand my experience both at work and at home, asking open-ended questions about how I was feeling, what sort of support I needed, and how I was balancing work with other aspects of life. No nod was given to the culture issues or problematic people.

Within weeks the atmosphere started to change; tensions were lifted, and people were laughing together. It was a specific kind of invisible magic. As it’s often said:

Over and over again, I’ve found that from a leadership perspective, the things that corrode unity and culture can be categorized into five succinct buckets:

1. Poor communication: You have to repeat yourself a lot before your team starts to get it. Share early. Share often. You will assume that they know far more than they do. The truth is that they likely have a fraction of the insight you think they do. By the time you’re sick of hearing yourself say it, they are just starting to hear it. Try to remember: this thing that you obsess over is only a small part of their world.

2. Gossip: Have a zero-tolerance for gossip policy. We defined gossip as “saying something negative about someone to anyone who doesn’t have the authority to fix it.”

When you have an issue with someone, there are usually two people who have the ability to do anything about it: the person at issue, and the leader. No one else needs to be involved. Vent to your therapist, your dog, or your partner.

It was a one-strike rule, and I only had to enforce it once.

3. Unresolved conflict: Confrontation is one of the most useful skills for keeping a team healthy. The number of people scared of confrontation is wild. We conflate aggression with confrontation, but when done well, it’s an act of love. Most people are misunderstood. Curiosity is the antidote.

Handle it quickly, kindly, and privately.

4. Lack of shared purpose: I’m surprised by how many teams cannot easily point to a collective goal, or worse, don’t see how their role contributes to the overall mission. If they don’t feel valued and united, it’s just a chore. If it’s just a chore, they'll leave when a better one comes along.

5. Ignored Incompetence: When someone isn't a fit for their role or isn’t pulling their weight, people see it. They always see it. Watching leadership ignore it is just flat-out demoralizing and will lure some of your strongest people toward apathy.

Culture is not a static entity; it evolves over time and is influenced by the actions, behaviors, and attitudes of its members.

I’ve said this often: thoroughbreds don’t want to hang out with donkeys. Gossip, poor communication, unresolved conflict, and lack of shared purpose—this is the unsanctioned incompetence of donkeys, and if you let the donkeys hang around long enough, the thoroughbreds will leave.

There’s a lot of hemming and hawing over how hard it is to find good team members. “No one wants to work” has become the battle cry of so-called leaders who don’t understand the importance of purpose. Humans have an intrinsic desire to contribute to something much bigger than themselves. You don’t need to be out there saving honeybees from extinction; it could be about serving the best pasta in town for people looking to build community over a meal. It’s not the grandiosity of the vision—it’s the ability to make people feel like they are part of something that matters.

Wait, but how?

All of this is predicated on our willingness to have uncomfortable conversations. I’ve known very few people in my life who could do this eloquently, but those who do stand out as emotional warriors. It’s hard to get into the mucky waters of confrontation in a way that is productive and leaves everyone involved feeling properly heard and valued.

I’ve found there are four key elements that define a good uncomfortable conversation:

1. Clear: The conversation should be crystal clear in its intent and objectives. Ambiguity can lead to confusion and misunderstandings, so it's crucial to state the issue or concern concisely. By being clear, you ensure that everyone involved understands the purpose of the conversation and what is at stake.

2. Focused: It's easy for uncomfortable conversations to veer off track or become overly emotional. To be effective, these discussions should remain focused on the specific issue at hand. It's essential to avoid bringing up unrelated grievances or concerns, which can dilute the conversation's purpose and make resolution more challenging.

3. Safe: Creating a safe environment for an uncomfortable conversation is paramount. Team members should feel that they can express their thoughts and concerns without fear of retaliation or judgment. Leaders and team members alike must foster an atmosphere of trust and openness to encourage productive dialogue. If you’re agitated, cutting, or unpredictable, you’ll never get to the truth.

4. Dignified: Even when discussing difficult topics or addressing huge mistakes, it's crucial to treat all team members with courtesy and empathy. Always let people walk away feeling respected and dignified, even if you don’t think what they did was respectable.

It’s sad to consider all of the important teams and goals that fell apart because one of these corrosive little pieces was allowed to worm its way in. Our own broader culture seems to have become conflict-avoidant in the important stuff and enraged at the trivial stuff. We’re not being taught how to roll up our sleeves and pull the emotional weeds. But I promise you that if you encounter unease in any group, these lists will serve as a surefire cheat sheet for both diagnosing and treating the problem.

Marinade

A few things I’ve read this week that are worth soaking in:

• A timeless piece by Paul Graham on Identity

• Before you start a community, read this article by David Spinks (because you probably shouldn’t start one)

• Cal Newport on Depth vs Breadth (a three-minute crash course on niches)

Onward,

April

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