Hiring a superstar community manager

It’s Wednesday, August 9th, and today we’re talking about the “it” factor, and why understanding fear is key to unlocking community engagement.

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(I screwed up scheduling this one, friends, apologies that it’s a day late)

If you only get one thing from your time with me…

_{I want to talk about the "it" factor; that indefinable quality you see in some community managers.}

Many of you are running communities or will be hiring someone to do so. This is for you. It’s perhaps thing single most important piece of advice I can personally give.

If I may be so bold, I am exceptional at engaging a community. Specifically, at taking care of people. Once, on a call, a client said, "If you can just learn to make a dozen of you, you'll be unstoppable."

I think about that a lot, and mostly in frustration. Interacting with and reading people is second nature to me, which has often left me wondering: can it be taught? Is it a skill one can pass on? How would I even define it?

To answer that, let's start by talking about Tony Robbins and tables.

Many moons ago, I read Awaken the Giant Within. In it, Tony talks about ideas being akin to a tabletop with no legs; it is mostly useless until you start having experiences that reinforce it. Each experience adds a new leg until the idea stands on its own as a true conviction.

For example:

In this case, a series of events has led to the conviction that I am sexy.*

When I was younger, I had a lot of experiences not fit for a child. There was one moment in particular when I was around six years old, and my mother had lost her temper again. It wasn't a pretty scene, but there was one moment where I saw something in her face that I recognized as fear.

"She's scared," I thought. "I'm scared of her. But she's also scared." This was a critical moment for me. Young children usually see their parents as pillars of truth and authority. To recognize the fallibility was striking.

This experience was repeated over and over, throughout my upbringing at home and then my experience in foster care, sharing rooms with strangers, standing in front of judges, dealing with bullies at school, collaborating with other choreographers, leading my team, it was always so clear: everyone's scared.

Not all the time, but always sometimes.

And the fear is almost always the same: "Do they like me? How do they see me?" And sometimes, "Do I like me?"

When sitting around a table with 20 other dancers, I understand that one casual, flippant comment made by one wounded another, and how to dial it back in a way that brought the hurt one back into the conversation without ostracizing the offending party.

When sitting around a table with 20 other founders, I understand that the bravado (and frankly annoying) diatribe coming out of that one person's mouth is not ego; it's fear.

That is not to say that some folks aren't cocky or confident, but it is to say that we all carry a common fear and that it is particularly evident in a community, where a mass of humanity has gathered together.

I can recall so many examples…

Carlos

Carlos started publicly attacking another community member in an entrepreneurial community I managed. He was rude. He was calling names. I took it to DMs... turns out he had engaged in some work for the other guy, who was unhappy with the result and made an off-hand comment about warning people in the community of the shoddy work. Carlos was scared that his reputation was about to take a hit and chose to play offense.

Marion

I asked Marion to be a speaker for an event I was throwing. She was one of five other high-achieving speakers. In the green room, she was aloof and slightly rude. Something was off. I asked for her help with a sound check and used the excuse to check-in with her. As it turns out, she was feeling pretty awful, because she didn't think she was nearly as accomplished as the others and was sure they were wondering why she was there.

Everyone gets scared about the same things, and more often than you'd think.

Sappy stuff— what does this have to do with community?

I would assert that this has been the single biggest contributor to my success in building communities, both virtually and in-person.

Look at the people in this photo:

This was my performance group, Animus Dance. I can tell you all of their stories; their fears, insecurities, and why they are so uniquely spectacular.

And that willingness to see past what's being presented is how community is built. It's the brick-by-brick commitment to guarding emotional safety. It’s why they stayed with me and continued to shed layers of defense.

A few key points worth calling out:

• Yes, it is that serious: there's a tendency to scoff at the idea of emotional safety as over-the-top woo-woo stuff. But, whether it's a knitting, VC, or kite-flying community; fear is present.

• I'm not advocating for handling people with kid gloves: every community needs guardrails and a keeper of the guardrails. I recognize human fear, but I don't goo-goo-ga-ga anyone.

• This does not mean I always handle people well: I mess up because (wait for it...), I'm also dealing with fears.

Still, I can't think of a single skill more worth developing than emotional awareness.

Communities are a catalyst for change, and as Shane Parrish said:

And community builders exist to facilitate that next step.

*this is absolutely a fictionalized conviction that I do not hold.

Marinade

A few things I’ve read this week that are worth soaking in:

• Josh Spector on How To Get Better At One Thing In One Month

• Loved this write-up by Wed Kao on Lazy thinking vs rigorous thinking

• If you are considering hiring a community person, check out this guide on How to Hire a Community Lead

Onward,

April

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