Don’t call me the B word

It’s Wednesday, January 24th, and today we’re talking about the low achiever’s version of high achievement.

First time reading? Sign up here.

At Wondry, we build and launch communities that result in stickier customers and more revenue. If you're considering investing in a community this year  👉🏼 Schedule a call here

Don’t call me the B word

While 85% of what I write is directly related to community, there is a handful of ubiquitous principles that seem to envelop people wherever they gather.

These words, spoken by Derek Sivers to Tim Ferriss, finally helped me identify why I felt so uneasy when someone would say “I know you’re busy, but…”

In Western culture, there's an almost instinctual tendency to equate being busy with being important. It's as if the number of tasks on our to-do list or the packed schedule in our calendar has become a measure of our worth. It defies data.

Over and over, studies of high achievers show the same thing: busy isn’t part of the equation. Priorities, yes. Busy, no. And it’s not a matter of semantics. Understanding the difference between being busy and prioritizing will have a profound impact on everything from your mental health to your bank accounts. Few things carry such heavy implications.

Let’s get into it.

I once had a “friend” named Meg. We were sort of an arranged friendship, as we were dating guys who were best friends and as a result, ended up sitting next to each other at various pick-up games and bar crawls. Over two years, Meg and I probably clocked hundreds of hours of conversation, but I guarantee you that she wouldn’t even be able to tell you my middle name, let alone any personal details. That’s because she never asked.

I would leave these 2-3 hour-long conversations tired and a bit deflated. While Meg was content to talk about every aspect of herself ad nauseam, she never lobbed the ball back. And every conversation began the same way:

”Hey Meg! How are you?”

”Good! Just so busy.”

Her schedule was a point of pride. Sometimes she would show me her Google calendar to demonstrate her lack of free time. Meg’s not an anomaly. There are 50 shades of Meg: gaggles of people living out various aspects of this conflation of schedule and importance.

Many of us maintain packed calendars, not only due to genuine obligations but also because it provides us with a false sense of importance.

I suspect it stems from a deeper struggle with self-worth. In a culture that often equates productivity and achievement with self-worth, it's easy to fall into the trap of believing that the busier we are, the more important we must be. There is a relentless cycle of over-commitment, and after 2020, there also seemed to be a pronounced consequence. So many people seem to be feeling depleted and disconnected from their own needs.

Too many people are attempting to run in multiple directions at once, making it impossible for them to make much progress in any category. They run into an existential crisis and don’t want to choose. It results in short-term thinking and short-term behavior.

How did we get here?

It seems like there are five pieces at play:

1. Validation and Recognition: Validation from others is a siren call. We believe that by appearing busy, we gain approval and admiration from peers, friends, and colleagues. It's a way to show that we're essential.

2. Distraction from Other Issues: Sometimes, busyness serves as a distraction from deeper issues in our lives. It can be easier to bury our problems in work and commitments rather than face them head-on. Interestingly, I recently read about the rise in discomfort with silence. We’d rather hear podcasts, audiobooks, and Law & Order than our internal thoughts.

3. Cultural Expectations: We’re constantly being hit with the idea that busyness is a sign of productivity and success. We're bombarded with images and stories of high-achievers who juggle numerous responsibilities, are team #nodaysoff, and make silly, reductive statements about how they hustle while everyone else is sleeping.

4. FOMO (Fear of Missing Out): The fear of missing out on opportunities, experiences, or social events can drive us to fill our schedules to the brim. We don't want to be the ones left out, so we overcommit to various engagements, just in case this is the one that pays off.

5. Perceived Productivity: We often mistake busyness for productivity. Having a full schedule can make us feel as though we're accomplishing more, even if we're not focusing on the most important tasks.

But it’s worth noting: Meg wasn’t what I would call a fulfilled person.

 RIP, Busybodies

Busy doesn’t strike me as productive or healthy. The more helpful approach is to eliminate the idea of being "busy" and instead frame life through priorities.

Here's what that looks like for me:

1. Quality > Quantity: I’m very cognizant of how the quality of the tasks I engage in affects my overall energy. While I’ll admit that sometimes I’m left feeling like I could have done “more”, I’ll often add daily tasks to my analog system strictly through the lens of energy balance. Two invigorating items for every energy drain.

2. Reduced Stress and Sniffles: As they say, the body keeps score. During the seasons in my life when I’ve taken a less thoughtful approach, my physical well-being stepped in to drive home the message. I would end up sick or injured multiple times a year.

3. Improved Decision-Making: Many years ago, I noticed a weird pattern: late at night, as I was falling asleep, I would suddenly doubt that I was capable of much. I would think of current goals and commitments and think “What are you thinking!?”. The next morning, the feeling would be gone. It took me too long to realize that I was just fatigued and my ability to assess and make good decisions was drained for the day. I’ve learned to laugh at my late-night wimpiness, but also to make sure I mitigate any risk that this will spill over into the times when it counts.

4. Increased Effectiveness: Thinking in terms of priority, over time, has just made me a more effective human. Doing a dozen half-assed things never felt good.

5. People Like Me: My close friends and family will never hear that I’m too busy for time with them. The preservation of these relationships is a hidden life hack: social fitness will impact every other category of living.

Wait, but how?

I didn’t make this shift overnight, but little by little, a series of decisions has lifted the burden of busy. Maybe they’ll be useful to you:

1. Reflect on Values: “Value” seems like such an empty word sometimes, but we all have them, whether we articulate them or not. And our calendar is a direct reflection of what those values are. I know mine. In writing.

2. Evaluating Commitments: Take an honest look at your current commitments. Are there tasks or obligations that don't align with your priorities? I found this particularly challenging when it came to evaluating people in my life. There were a few Megs to deal with. If something was on the calendar that filled me with a sense of tiredness, it was time to consider cutting the cord.

3. Say No: It’s a complete sentence. Politely decline commitments or opportunities that don't contribute to your priorities.

4. Stay Tuned In: When life gets a little frantic, the first temptation is to disconnect from me. Losing touch with my own stated needs and priorities is easier than letting other people down. It’s a trap. Don’t do it.

5. Regularly Reassess: Priorities can change over time. I keep tabs on this in two ways:

   1. Morning Journal: I am not a fan of journaling. My hand cramps and I get bored of myself. I need something pithy and actionable. This is the only journal that has ever worked for me. I am religious about it.

   2. Quarterly getaways: A quick train ride somewhere, a comfy little Airbnb, and no agenda. Being by myself in a new environment is the best way I know to check-in. I come back better every time.

I opened this email with a quote:

Who wants to be that person?

Onward,

April

We remarkable companies build thriving communities.

Looking for help with yours?  👉🏼 Schedule a call here

Other options:

1. Just getting started? Here’s a free 7-day email course 👉🏼 Start your community

2. Check out the CommunityOS Masterclass, a pithy, low-cost video course covering all of the basics of community strategy 👉🏼 Get it here